Mop-Up RAW (Flashback: November 1999)
By Hyatte
It’s that time again, time for a patented “vacation”. Feel free to eat me if you have a
problem with this.
I thought I would post a past recap from my third to last week at SCOOPS. What you
need to know is that this column was written right after I got into all sorts of trouble for
posting Tony Schiavone’s e-mail address, so Turner Security were breathing down
Scoops collective and figurative necks. Also, a few weeks earlier, I posted Bob Ryder’s
home phone number on my ICQ account, so he was threatening litigation too. All of
which means that my entire closer was cut, and quite a few questionable jokes too. See,
Remy Artiega had taken over full editing duties at this time, and Remy is about as witty
as a box of rocks, so he didn’t even understand half the jokes.
If you choose to check this out, I think you’ll see the strain I was under start to peek it’s
way through the column. I was convince I was inches away from getting canned anyway.
So, it was right around this time I started ssniffing around for other web sites. Stupid ass
that I am, I chose ScoopThis. And we all know how smart THAT move was.
Anyway, read it, or don’t. I’ll see you next week with fresh, new material across the
boards (all of which, of course, depends on your definition of “fresh” and “new”)
********************************
Mop-Up RAW
I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. It's been a while, yet..I can't help but have this funny
feeling that a lot of folks are wondering what I have to say in here...it's certainly been an
eventful week last week....wasn't it? I'll venture to say that this might be the most
anticipated Mop-Up ever...
T'was not my intention....not even close. Of course, I'd like all my columns to be read by
everybody....but.
Actually, I kind of feel like Pesci in Casino where I have to talk with my hand
over my mouth so the feds won't read my lips.
But anyway...onto things.
There WAS a column last week, for those who have no clue what happened, it was even
posted...for roughly an hour or so...then it was taken off the site... I'm sure the majority of
you know why...but for those who don't...sorry, but for once I'm going to think of the site
first and say, “NO COMMENT”. I can't talk about it, I won't talk about it, and even if I
did, it would be chopped out...so no dice.
Sorry if you guys were expecting more but.....
Anywhoo....SCOOPS (who have been REMARKABLY good natured and upbeat with
me all week) has agreed that other than that one little thing, last week's columns were
chock full of all sorts of tasteless material that shouldn’t go unread.....
Side note...no matter HOW good natured they (Scoops) have been, I can pretty much
GUARANTEE that whenever the word 'Hyatte' was thrown around a by various members
of the SCOOPS team this past week, it was either proceeded or followed by LOTS AND
LOTS of cursing. I will donate my Kidneys to science if the phrase, “That FUC****
Hyatte” wasn't used at LEAST once.
You see, word got around quickly that I was fired..so I guess this is my last Mop-Up ever.
I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get to stick around for the end of the year and deal out
my killer Millennium Closer that I've been waiting two years to post. But hey, can't help it
if I'm s-canned. It's their decision...it's their site.
Wipe those tears...we got us two full shows to discuss, a whole laundry list of personal
issues I have to get off my chest, many numerous uses of the word “douchebag” that I
have to scatter about, more gay jokes than any rational man can stomach, and if you're
VERY good...I'll even talk about my dead mother some more. IT'S THE LAST
MOP-UP....I'M GONNA SAY WHATEVER I DAMN WELL....
One last thing....Eric Benner has a KILLER column here on Scoops that's all sorts of
smart, thoughtful, and provocative. He's also jumping up and down like a monkey right
now because I'm plugging his column here in the middle of all this controversy. Eric told
me that his column is VERY controversial too....and if you read it, and write to him, he'll
send you .... Don't ask me HOW Eric got that valuable piece of memorabilia, he just has
it.
Wonder how the Home office is reacting to THAT one?
Oh yeah, I do make one promise... This column is a warped piece of
stream-of-consciousness crap that NOBODY is supposed to take seriously unless I make
it clear to do so otherwise. In fact, the biggest target in my Mop-Ups is, has been, and
always will be....me! I have portrayed myself, at one time or another, as a Racist,
Anti-Semite, Girl hater, Girl beater, Self Involved, Self Pitying, Ego Maniacal,
Ex-Convict, Homophobic, xxxxx, Perhaps Homosexual, Small Pee Peed, Sexually
Ambiguous, Alcoholic, A-Hole ...AND THIS IS A WRESTLING COLUMN!!!!!!!
There is other stuff too....Hell, I should sue myself....and Scoops...YA HEAR ME
SCOOPS!!! I AM OFFENDED BY THE WAY YOU ALLOW ME TO TALK ABOUT
MYSELF!!!!! I'LL SUE YOU FOR EVERY PENNY YOU'VE GOT!!!!!!
Moral of the story.....this is the dumbest column alive....don't be dumber by taking it
seriously.
RAW IS WAR (or: Is that Frosting on Mae Young's face? Or is this the sickest Porno
flick I've ever seen?)
-opens with....umm...well...you see..the thing of it is...I sort of missed the first few
minutes. I ran out of VCR tape without even realizing. I VIVIDLY remember seeing a
shot of Shane, Test, Gerry Brisco, and Pat Patterson walking around searching for Vince
McMahon. I VIVIDLY remember seeing the camera follow Patterson down a hall. I
VIVIDLY remember watching Pat's arse shimmy as he walked. I VIVIDLY remember
wondering if he was wearing underwear. I VIVIDLY remember looking for brown
streaks. I VIVIDLY remember wondering what I am doing with my life.
-I replaced the tape, but not before giving my head a few healthy bangs against a piece of
wall stud.....several times...you know, I'm almost 30 years old AND I'M LOOKING FOR
BROWN STREAKS!!!
-Okay...the new tape was put in..I only missed a few minutes..so let's join the action
with.....
-opens with Shane and Test finding Vincent K (He wears no wig and it's UNFAIR TO
SAY THAT HE DOES!!!!!!! NOT TO MENTION SLANDEROUS) McMahon...geeze..I
missed a LOT...Mankind and Snow vs the Holly's.....lots of searching for Vince...DX in
the limo....
-come to think of it...I didn't miss diddly squish....it's the same crap...week after week
after week.
-anywhoo..they find Vince outside..in a car...with a baseball bat.,..he's stroking that bat
very gently..then a little harder...a little harder...faster....faster..My Word..I HOPE it's just
a baseball bat?
-But if it isn't a bat....WHOA..VINCE..BOOYA MY MAN...BOO-F-IN-YAAAA
-Shane and Test, well, mostly Shane, Shane had no lines, start asking Pappy Mac to come
inside. Vince says that he's just chilling out enjoying Nitro on his mini TV and that they
should leave before Bret hart makes his inadvertent return to RAW. Shane insists....Vince
yells at him. They take off....Ross wonders what the Hell is going on, and what did he
ever do to Ed Ferrera?
-back to the main stage, Kurt Angle comes out, wearing more gold
than...than.....than.....umm....nope...drawing total blanks.
-What a handsome man this Angle is. (What? Can't I comment on a man's handsomeness
without being labels a Buckle Swashler? What's wrong with you people?)
-Angle shook the fan's hands as he walked around, Ross called it “Glad handling”
-He even shook Ross's and Lawler's hand. Jimbo's eyes never left the Eclairs he kept to
the side.....Angle's hand was a wee bit too close.
-Mark Henry came out. Does he ever NOT sweat?
-Kurt got on the stic and said that the Olympic credo was 'Win if you can, lose if you
must, but always participate....and watch out for those Russian babe swimmers with
mustaches and hairy chests.
-He also said that he don't care much for fat guys who get babes (Lord knows I don't
either) but who don't get medals...but everybody should cheer for him anyway because
he's a lot like Bob Backlund except he doesn't look so goofy and he'll never run an angle
where he's amazed by his own hands.' (Now STOP THAT!! PSYCHO BOB RULED!!!!!)
-Psycho Bob BACKLUND...that is
-He then said that at the Olympics, Mark was too busy getting lapdances instead of
focusing on winning medals (I hear that's what did Tonya Harding in too)
-great...Tonya Harding....I'm referencing 4 year old material now.
-Angle said that was the reason why Mark finished 18th place...the fans could not care
less...Henry was proud of this.
-The good news is that we came in 2nd in the Rider Cup.....I think.....I know it's not
spelled 'Rider' but.....I'm taking NO chances here.
-Angle said that if Henry followed the 'Three I's' (Intensity, Integrity, and Injectdajuice),
he would have come in first, and not dead last.
-Am I crazy or is Angle crosseyed?
-Henry finally got mad and attacked Angle. He hurled him up in the air and let him dead
drop to the ground.
-Then he sprinted across the ring and slid through the second rope, it was supposed to
look like Angle's head caught the brunt of it, but it didn't work out that way..it was still
pretty cool for the big guy.
-Angle did that crazy arm lock submission thingy that all the kids are not doing these
days. Henry turned it into a powerbomb.
-Angle performed a backdrop/Bridge maneuver, but couldn't hold the legs. Henry still
acted totally immobilized (Bless his big fat, cholesterol filled, heart and took the pin. The
Angle angle marches on...DESPITE the sign that read “Kurt No Angle”....I like this guy.
He's cool.
-Ah..and someone was walking around with a sign that read 'WWF IS IMMORAL' on
one side and 'WORLD WIDE FILTH' on the other. I have no comment.
-Outside, DX is still living lizarge in the Limousine. Why is it, that when they are being
Faces, they ride in Mazdas, but when they are Heels, they get Limos?
-Cut to Vince McMahon...who uses the “F” word...then makes a bloodcurdling
bellow....play it backwards and you can clearly hear him scream, 'RUSSO ....!!!!!!'
-Vince floors the accelerator and crashes into the Limo.
-Cut to DX in the Limo for a reaction shot..the cameraman shakes his camera for
affect...I've seen porn flicks with better FX.
-You will note that Vince's airbag doesn't go off
-You will also note that not a single strand of Vince's hair is out of place during this
whole ordeal.
-Vince gets out of his car and starts smashing the Limo's windows with his bat...he keeps
screaming, “LET'S PLAY THE GAME, LET'S PLAY THE GAME!!” (What an unusual
time to start singing a Queen song?)
-come on...even if your reading this in hopes of burying my arse.....you've got to smile at
that one at least.
-err...I just re-read it.....maybe not
-DX ran for the hills....Ross weighed in with this brilliant insight, 'I think he lost it!'
-I would have screamed, 'VINCE HAS LOST IT, VINCE HAS LOST IT, GOOD GOD
ALLMIGHTY, VINCE HAS LOST IT!!!'...just to show that I can take it.
-Vince stalked off, possibly to a phone booth to try to get Austin to work through the
pain. Anyone else notice I jammed four 'to's in that sentence?
-commercials
-Ross surveys the damage to the Limousine. The he went totally loopy and blamed the
Fake Sting for it.
-footage of what just happened.
-Shane and the crew were trying to coax Vince into calming down....Vince had the bat
and a wild look in his eye that hasn't been seen since the last time Patterson went up to
him and said, “Vince, it happened again.” (10-1 says that don't make it)
-The Godfather came out with some ladies...I no longer feel comfortable calling them
'Ho's'...it's disrespectful.
-BIG sign from the same guy that reads 'WWF=PORN'.....well, I always knew “RAW is
PORN” made a snappy catchphrase.
-Is this guy Joey Styles?
-GF did his thing....many fans sang along....this flagrant condoning of drug usage is
utterly OBSENE!!!!!!!
-Of course..once I mixed Tylenol with Nail Polish remover and mainlined it.....Sweet
Georgia Brown....THAT'LL pass yer gallstones.
-Y2J ticker came on...
-Lights out
-explosion
-theme
-out he comes. Big pop..
-Here's a first, he said, “Welcome to Raw is...” then let the fans finish it. That's NO way
to achieve mega heel status.
-we see the whole thing with Chyna's thumb. Ross says that Chyna has NOT pressed
charges. I'm sure hundreds of folks are expecting some sort of remark here.
-Jericho says that he is the greatest, but his rep is being tarnished by being in the same
ring with this “piece of crap” (oh come now...Pimps have feelings too....I want you all to
go out and hug a Pimp today...go ahead.)
-Then Jericho calls all the Ho....err....Ladies “ugly pigs” and demands that they leave his
arena. (Whattya expect? Being Canadian et all)
-of course..I LOVE Canadians. They know that...a good, decent, well mannered
people...and their country has been touched by God
-The GF attacked Jericho...that went a bit....
-The Jericho found himself outside....he used one of the ladies as a shield..then he
threw her at the GF. Everyone with even the slightest vision saw Godfather test her
melons for ripeness...then Jericho launched at him from the steps. Then the Ladies
attacked Jericho..although I suspect a few of them were feeling his rock hard abs and his
to die for chest...(ratluckyprick)
-Jericho won easily...because if he lost even I would have screamed that he should go
back to WCW.
-Backstage, some Police men managed to grab Vince and place him under arrest....next
thing we know, Vince is “riding the bracelets” (I learned that phrase from Andy Sipowitz,
a miserable drunk with a heart of gold)
-“Chris, there is some confusion here. Who is this Andy Sipowitz and explain why he is a
'miserable drunk'? Please respond quickly so we can get the Mop-Ups posted before
Saturday.”
-ohh...I'm just trying to have fun here.
-HHH charges out of the dressing room and proceeds to pummel Vince...Vince uses his
head for protection...after Y2K fires off all the nukes, it'll just be Cockroaches, radiation,
and that damn rug.
-commercials
-during the break, HHH comes out to torment Vince some more..Shane's out to the
rescue...we saw this exact same scenario with Austin and Vince. Suddenly, Hogan's
legdrop seems as fresh as socks out of the Dryer.
-Edge and Christian come on out.....remember, we only THINK we know them
-The WWF will be a part of the next Vanity Fair...featuring a quote from Dan Doomsday
(there, happy now?)
-The Dudley Boys enter the ring...they get right to it.
-What we have here is two VERY talented teams, and no place for them to go quite yet.
This match featured the “3 D”...a Spear on Buh-Buh after D-Von Leapfrogged over Edge,
and a Superplex enhanced by Edge getting Christian on his shoulders. Dare I say..it was
an excellent match.
-The Blonde kids won. They are an Enigma, wrapped inside a riddle, and covered with
more hair than Sebastian Bach had on his worse day
-In other words, we still don't know jack squat about them
-Michael Cole talked to the Rock, then they were interrupted by Mankind and Al
Snow....Mick Foley said something to him about....something...I don't know....bug off.
-Somewhere, someone is about to write... “Bug Off”? Hyatte doesn't say “bug
off”...THAT ISN'T HYATTE!!!!!! WHO'S WRITING THE MOP-UP NOW???? WHO
DOES AL THINK WE ARE TRYING TO...TRYING TO...
-oh screw it...
-Anywhoo, the Rock took the opportunity to bi**h at Foley for daring to speak to him
after the last time where he accused him of throwing his book in the trash.
-then the camera closed in on Foley and Snow, who laughed at the Rock and goofed on
his upcoming biography (which really is a dumb concept...Maivia's only been in the biz
four years or so...it reminds me of the time someone thought Jenny McCarthy had lived
long enough to chronicle her life).
-The camera pulled back to show the Rock looking at Snow...as implausible as it was, it
still got a solid laugh from the crowd..and me too...dammit.
-The Rock asked Snow who he was...and if he worked for the building...and that he
doesn't give autographs.
-Then the Rock asked about the Mannequin Head....suggesting that he take it to the
makeup lady...have her fix it up real nice...da da da, dee, dee, dee and whatever the Hell
else you want to put in there.
-The Rock left...Snow was ticked....Foley told him to chill, then walked away happy to
know that the Rock read chapter 37 of his book
-Having Maivia not recognize Snow? Brilliant. Russo worthy brilliance.
-Outside, the cop car pulls into the Police station...Vince is pulled out of the car and led
inside...Vince says that the car smells like pee...the cop says it's probably because folks
pee in it. (Interesting...I don't remember reading about Bobby Brown being arrested in
Buffalo?)
-Vince is brought inside...the cameras are there to show it...not only is that illegal...IT'S
UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!!!
-Well...Buffalo is AWFULLY close to Canada.
-Vince is sat in a chair.
-stuff dealing with this Wedding next week that will either be a total disaster that will
send Nitro back on top of the ratings heap, or be the most talked about angle since Bret
was screwed in Montreal.
-commercials
-We are at a Wedding shower. Mae Young and Moolah give Stephanie a Leather skirt and
bra ensemble. I have mixed emotions when envisioning her in that.
-Meanwhile, Linda McMahon sees this and discreetly starts refreshing her beverage with
Wild Turkey.
-Stephanie pulls out a “Cat O' 9 Tails”. Linda pulls it out of her hand. Then starts
chugging the bottle.
-Mae Young gets up and whispers something in Stephanie's ear about her wedding night.
You know, I'll buy Brad Armstrong as a Hippie before I buy Stephanie as a Virgin
-Mae slugs down some wine...she's getting drunk.
-The Hardy Boyz come out with Terri Runnels. Teri flashes the cameras...Lawler keeps
on playing the horn dog act.
-Speaking of which.....I was in the store the other week and saw Jennifer Love Hewitt on
the cover of 'Maxim'...I swear..I had an accident right there in the middle of the store. My
GOD...she can be so hot.
-X-Pac comes out...it's a one on one thing with one of the Hardy boys....(Duuh)
-After a reasonable dollop of action, much of which X-Pac owned...they switched things a
round a little and actually had the other Hardy interfere.....X-Pac was ready for the big Job
when. Road Dog came out and made trouble....
-Then Billy Gunn ran in and Gorilla Slammed the Hardy into an “X-Factor” ...the 'Pac'
got the 'Pin'.
-How Ross can act so outraged at the DX interference, yet loudly cheer when the Hardy's
double team X-Pac is beyond me....THE MAN DESERVES TO BE PARODIED!!!!!!!!
-DX continue to beat the dye out of the Hardy's hair.....Terri Runnels ran around the ring
looking as hot as a 30something chick can possibly look (cut off age is 34...then it's Sag
City baby)
-Vince is finger printed....he used a $100 bill to wipe the Ink off. (no more bemoaning
Turner's wealth for Vince....there will be NO more playing the role of the “Pauper”)
-The Big Show is walking back and forth....sort of a metaphor for his career so far...lots
of moving, but no real progression.
-commercials
-Back to the Wedding shower....Linda announces that they are all going to Las Vegas to
catch Sinatra play the Flamingo (Linda hasn't read the papers in a while).
-Then Mae Young stumbled and Moolah pushed her into the cake....Mae jammed a hunk
back in her face..then gave Stephanie a little too..all the while groaning. All that
creme....all that moaning.....all that liquor....God..I miss those baths my Grandmother
used to give me.
-That Mae Young...she's a funny old coot, isn't she?
-Vince has his mug shot taken. Even in Jail he sticks out his chest.
-The Big Shew comes out....we are told that the second hour has arrived..(WHAT????)
-He sticks his hand up in the air....yes, he can count to 5.
-After some suspense building drama.....
-Kane comes out with Torrie, no, not THAT Torrie, the other Torrie....
-The bell rings....no wasted motion...they go at it efficiently.
-TBS powerslams Kane with as much grace as Kidman on a slow day (which still ain't
half bad)
-Lawler comments in this Torrie/Kane fantasy scenario. How Ross manages to sell it
without the slightest hint of sarcasm is beyond me.
-Meanwhile, Torrie, who watched from the entranceway, was suddenly accosted by
Midean (been there, done that)...she ran towards the ring...
-Kane sees this and jumps out of the ring.....he's been in the company for what? Almost
three years? Has ANY of his matches ended in ANY WAY other than him getting
distracted by something outside?
-TBS ended up chokeslamming Midean. There isn't a single Torrie in the world of
Wrestling that has been in a believable relationship.
-Shane and Test are chilling in the dressing room. Shane is on the phone with Vince.
Shane hangs up and announces that there is now a plan. Has Wolverine gotten his
Adamantium back?
-commercials
-Dominik Hasek is in the crowd. For us nose breathers, we are told that he plays Hockey.
The man looks like he hasn't slept since The Islanders last won the Cup.
-we are shown something dealing with Austin and a video. There ya' go...hard evidence
that his injury is a FAKE!!!!!
-Triple Hchoo (sniff...God Bless me) came out...the fans called him a Donkey's Hole
(Why bring Courtney Love into this?)
-He said that we had no idea what an “A-Hole” he can really be...'A-Hole was NOT
edited..everything else was....Einstein would have shot himself trying to figure this out.
-HHH used footage of Vince ramming the Limo as proof that he was the one who ran
over Austin. Then told Vince that if he was sitting in jail right now, wondering who
pressed charges, well, HHH was his Huckleberry (name me one jail cell that has cable
TV).
-HHH boasted that he 'sent your arse to the hoky!' (It's POKY ya' big nosed twit!)
-Then HHH accepted Vince's challenge for a match at “Armageddon”, then implied that
Vince was getting raped in Prison. (Yeah, but since he's a Billionaire now...condoms were
used)
-Shane McMahon came out and said that Vince made his one phone call to him and said
that Vince accepted the challenge that wasn't even on the table until just now...I
think...I'm so confused..I just don't know...I.... I DON'T WATCH SMACKDOWN,
OKAY?????????
-Shane also said that from the jail cell, Vince ordered HHH to fight the Acolytes tonight
in a Handicapped match.
-HHH told Shane to “front his arse” and not to be a little “bi**ch” (somebody's been
listening to Tupac's old CD's) and face him like a man. Shane started coming down...
-DX came out from behind, Shane saw them and ran into the ring..HHH was all over
him...DX joined....Test, Patterson, and Brisco ran in, The Hardees ran in, the Acolytes ran
in, Ross BEGGED us to “put the women and kids to bed”.....(Why on Earth for? Well, I
have one idea..but you ain't getting it out of me)
-DX bailed.
-so did we
-commercials
-Backstage, Billy Gunn seemed to have hurt his leg. I demand to see that big boobed
chick's certification for administering medical care.
-Val Venis came out...I demand to see his package
-The Bulldog came out....I demand to see...oh...I don't know
-Too Cool came out....I demand to see that gay marriage angle played out
-Meanwhile, Jim Ross began a long lecture on this guy who heads the “Parent' s
Television Counsel” who aren't going right after the WWF advertisers in hopes of getting
RAW thrown off the air and replacing it with “Touched by an Angel” reruns....or
something else more suited for “family” viewing. Does anyone realize that “Families”
don't gather around the TV to watch uplifting TV shows anymore? Can you count the
number of times you, mom, dad, and whatever sibling you may have all sat down to
watch something on the PAX Network? Didn't think so.
-You wanna know my Dad's version of “uplifting”? Whenever the cable company
screwed up and we got free Spice for the night....then he was uplifted.
-He'll go straight after Nitro too...just you watch.
-Ross screamed, “FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION!!!! FREEDOM OF CHOICE!!!” Then
cited the US Army as a proud sponsor of WWF RAW....(FREEDOM OF CHOICE!!!!!
So long as you haul arse to Canada to avoid the Draft.)
-Then Ross reminded us that “Tailhook” was a Naval Incident...or maybe the Marines
-For some reason, Venis yanked the Bulldog (his partner) off a Too Cooler to disrupt the
pin. Then he walked away..then the Meanstreeters were seen watching this...then Bulldog
started getting his bum handed to him..then the Mean Streeters ran in....then the Artist
Formally Known as The Sultan right after being the Artist Formally Known as Fatu ran
in...then Ross called him “Rackeeshee”...then Lawler began a steam of fart jokes...then
“Rackeeshee” started to beat the living crap out of the Mean Streeters. The man is the size
of a cow.
-Then “Rackeeshee” started to dance with Too Cool.
-Russo would have never approved of this.
-I'm wondering..did he ever “make a difference”? Or did he eat the difference?
-Backstage, Test and Shane were busy doing very important stuff
-In the Police station...the Cops made Vince take off his jacket and belt. They would have
made him take off the rug (not that he has one) but Marv Albert took care of that.
-commercials
-Of course, the question of the year is...how much of his soul did Vince have to barter in
order to get Arnold Schwarzenegger on “Smackdown”?
-Answer: Not a lot..but he had to cover the Premiere of the film, grab a soundbite from
Ah-nuld and his co-star (Robin Tunney)...show Mick Foley and Al Snow at the Premiere
(they parked the cars) and subject us to ANOTHER CLIP that wasn't really a clip but
actually a movie trailer which really sucked...YOU COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN UP A
COUPLE OF CLIPS?????? JEEZUS, NITRO PRACTICALLY SHOWED US THE
ENTIRE “ASSAULT ON DEVIL'S ISLAND” on TNT (Home of the New Classics)
OVER THE SPACE OF A MONTH!!!!!!!
-Road Dog came out.....and publicly denounced his lamo brother
-Test came out.
-Shane came out....he was the guest referee.
-And thus, the bell rang.
-Nothing to write home about....typical fare. I used the time to think about Test. He's got
the chops, he's got the skills, he's got the looks, he's in a killer angle, but what is he
missing that keeps him from being up there with Austin? Or The Rock? Or HHH?
-I have yet to see a wrestler stand there and look plausible as he waits on Road Dog to
finish his 'shuck and jive' and punch him.
-I've done 105 Mop-Ups....this is the first time I've used the word “plausible” and I used it
TWICE.
-Shane grabbed Road Dog's punch before it connected...The Dog punched him...Test
grabbed him and dry humped his booty. Then he Pump Handled him and scored the pin.
-Vince is stewing in the pokey. Anyone else notice how extraordinarily CLEAN that cell
is?
-commercials
-The Big Bossman comes out with Prince Albert.
-The BBM got on the stick and said that yes, they are pushing him as the number 1
contender...if you don't like it...go watch Ni(BLEEP)....damn censors.
-The Rock came out...Ross asked us if we ever heard such a reaction before?
Well....Hogan at the Pontiac Silverdome 15 years ago comes to mind...but that's it.
-The Rock got on the mic and said that he his partner is “The People” .......The Bossman
got on the stick and screamed, “Oh No...OH NO!!! I AM NOT CARPOOLING WITH 16
THOUSAND PEOPLE TO THE SMACKDOWN TAPINGS!!!!! GET YOUR OWN
GODDAM RIDES!!”
-The bell rang....Rocky had his way with Albert.
-Then The Bossman was tagged..things took a turn....the People didn't even try to tag in.
-Foley and Snow were watching this backstage
-Soon, Foley found his way into the ringside....on the apron..
-Foley was tagged...why is he wearing blue?
-The Prince ate a sock...the Bossman got in there.
-Albert took a Rock Bottom
-Substitute “Rock Bottom” with “People's Elbow”
-Throw in a pin...and ring the Bell.
-Matches made easy
-backstage, Brisco and Patterson taunted HHH. Patterson made frequent use of the word
xxx
-Vince was bailed out of jail. He was advised to NOT go back to the arena. Wouldn't it be
genius booking if he actually went to his Hotel room? It would have fooled everybody.
-commercials
-HH and H came out
-The Acolytes came out...HHH went for Bradshaw..
-It wasn't a tag match, it was two on one
-HHH was tossed out...Ross mumbled something about no DX allowed in here.
-HHH was tossed back into ringside
-Hmm...looks like Faarooq remembered to put on his tattoos this week
-Basically, this was either HHH getting tuned on, or HHH trying to get away from getting
tuned on.
-HHH hit the Referee....another one ran in.
-Ross, “The Acolytes are having more fun than free beer at Happy Hour”....(How can
Beer have “fun”?)
-Bradshaw clotheslines Faarooq by accident. he was paid for it with a HHH chair
-HHH walked up the ramp backwards....just long enough to make it look extremely
awkward
-Vince came out and tossed him off the ramp....HHH made that nice drop.
-The show ended with Ross screaming, “THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE” and Vince
standing over HHH making faces usually reserved for those times when another athlete
he created tells him that they're going to WCW.
It was just fine, same as last week. Not bad, not great, just average stuff. It's always like
this during the end of the year. They are mostly thinking about the first four months of the
year, Royal Rumble and the Wrestlemania hype. That's when they start heating up.
I know it's late, but you made it this far. Go check out Nitro and finish the set. It's the last
Nitro Mop-Up EVER....you'll regret not reading it in a few weeks after I'm gone.
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